How to Raise Trustworthy Children – Alongside Creations is: Somewhere on the Water

Can you remember what it is like to be a kid?

Yes, of course you can. It wasn’t that long ago (or was it?).

Do you remember how frustrated you got when your parents did not trust you?

They set ridiculously early curfews, they never let you sleepover at your friend’s house, and going to a party was out-of-the-question!

Maybe even go back further in your memory bank.

Can you remember when you wanted to play in your room with the door closed? Ride your bike around the neighborhood alone?

You knew you were capable of doing these things but alas, your parents shut you down. Perhaps you rebelled against this? Did a few things just to spite them?

I want you to remember these feelings while reading this article. Keep an open mind because guess what – you are now the parent and you want a relationship with your kids that is built on trust and mutual respect.

What does it mean to be trustworthy?

Being trustworthy means you are a person who is dependable, honest, and reliable.

Who are the people in your life that you trust? Your spouse, best friend, sibling. They are the ones that are closest to you, that you depend on and rely on in good times and bad. In turn, they trust you.

When you reflect on the connections that you have with the people you love; are they not the same kind of relationships you want for your children?

Overall building trust with your child just comes down to taking a moment to think about what helps you build trust with the important people around you.

How do I help my kids build these skills?

Each age and stage is an opportunity for your child to gain independence and confident decision-making skills that will help them grow into trustworthy teenagers and young adults.

While implementing the following steps, ensure your child that you have their back. They can rely on you, your love, support, and that you can cope with anything as long as you do it together. Communication is always a key ingredient to building a solid relationship.

Assign some responsibility:

Allow your child(ren) to have a little bit of responsibility by assigning an age-appropriate chore/task. These tasks should be attainable and not be overburdensome, nor should they be something they are unable to perform.

By giving your children something that they can “own” they will learn the concept of follow-through and will be able to carry out what is expected of them.

Be patient when introducing anything new because kids are not naturally going to want to do things they don’t consider fun.
Read the related article: Should we assign our kids chores?
Teach the child how to do the assigned task(s).
Expectations should be realistic and not lead to feelings of disappointment, and frustration.
Make sure you are willing to let them do it, even if it is not done exactly the way you would do it.
It should be something that they can be accountable for.

Responsibility does not necessarily mean chore.

For example:

Have your child(ren) set and wake to an alarm rather than relying on you to wake them.
Ask them to check-in on an elderly neighbor once a week. Offer to shovel their driveway or walk their dog, or simply chat.

Set the example as their guardian:

If you say that you will do something, do it.
Follow through at all times. Sure life happens, so in the case that you can’t follow through be certain to talk with your child and explain why.
Don’t break promises. As a parent, you should only make promises that are reasonable to be kept. Think before uttering the words, “I promise” to your child. With just one small broken promise, your child’s trust diminishes tremendously. (Yes, life happens, communicate and explain why if you are unable to follow through.)
Remember what it was that helped you trust an adult when you were a child; implement that into your day to day life as a parent.

Be flexible:

Perfection is not a thing. Everyone learns and grows at their own pace. If you have assigned a task that just really is not working, move on to a different one. Each of our children are different.
Just like you need your boss, spouse, or friends to cut you some slack once in a while, so do your kids.

Listen to your kids:

If they are having a bad day engage in conversation and find out why. Lots of homework? An argument with a friend? Lost the big game? Assure them that even adults have bad days too.

One of the largest ways to build trust with your child is to listen to them when they have something to say. Stop everything. Make eye contact and show a genuine interest in what your child has to say to you. Always.

Ultimately, good parent-child relationships are built on a foundation of assurance and reliance, honesty, and communication.

Have consequences:

Explain beforehand what the expectations are and why trustworthiness is so important.

It is important that becoming trustworthy is not about making people happy; it is about saying what you are going to do and doing what you say you are going to do. It is about following through on your promises. Whether it is a promise you made your parents, friends, boss, even yourself.

Have appropriate consequences in place if their responsibilities are not met. Tell them what these consequences are.
Repeat: Explain the expectations! Tell them the consequences!

You will have to do this many, many, many times. They are kids!

Prepare to give a reward if they are successful.
Do not go overboard with either of these. Remember that you are starting small and building as they grow.

Communicate, Communicate, Communicate:

Did I say communicate? Communication, being honest, and sharing your life experiences with your child will build mutual respect. Understanding, even at a young age that we all have to answer for our actions; at home and outside the home.

You have to answer to your boss if you are consistently tardy or absent, just like they have to listen to their teacher at school.

Work with your child to agree upon reasonable consequences.
Always allow them an opportunity to reflect on their actions and rebuild your trust. Remember, all of us are likely to have breached someone’s trust at some point!

You are the key to their success. Don’t get lazy!

1) Truth is the most important thing:

I told my children many times to tell the truth: If I find out later that you were lying, the punishment will be worse. I still love you, even if you did something wrong, but the truth is #1.

2) Follow-through on the completed task:

A task/chore that goes unchecked will soon give the child the message that there is no need to fulfill their obligations because no one is monitoring them.

Requests to “make your bed,” “do your homework”, or “wash the dishes,” will fall on deaf ears if they know nothing will happen if they don’t.

Check out their work each and every time!

3) If you do not implement the consequences you are treating them as if they were trustworthy, when they aren’t.

Ø If they are not to play the PlayStation before they’ve finished their homework and yet repeatedly disobey; hide it until after the homework has been completed and checked for completion (here’s that follow-through I mentioned in #2) by the parent.

Trusting people when they have not proven themselves trustworthy never gives them an incentive to become a trustworthy person.

Ø If you have told your child not to use their phone, iPad, or computer (electronics) under their covers at night and they repeatedly disobey you, then don’t treat them with the trust they have not earned.

Don’t allow them to close their door and “give you their word.” Their word is not trustworthy. Insist the door be left open and periodically check that the child is in fact not on their electronics.

My kids hated it when I said that their actions (or lack of) speak louder than words. But, when they knew that I wasn’t going to just take their word for it; but wanted to see the results of their action it reinforced the idea that: it is what we do that matters, not what we say we will do. (aka integrity).

As they grow and develop their skills, start focusing on these tips & hints that will help build mutual trust and respect:

Keeping conversations with your children confidential.
Do not look at their private messages to their friends. There are exceptions to this rule! Safety, bullying and dire situations may call for this and you may have to; don’t make it the norm.
Knock before entering their room.
Do not go through their stuff without asking. (Backpacks, drawers, etc.)
Trust them unless they give you a reason not to! An occasional breach of trust will happen, but that doesn’t mean your child is a bad person.

When a child grows up respected, they are more apt to confide in and trust their parents. Remain consistent, and enjoy the years you have with them, they will be grown and gone before you know.